2 Best Friends…and A Wife?
Carter and Will met at the ripe young age of 14 – just before their High School years began. Youthful hormones had them lusting after every woman they saw. Girls at school. Teachers. Nurses. Any woman was fair game.
Girls! Girls! Girls! That’s all the adolescents thought about.
High School gave them an insight to girls they thought they’d never know. Both popular and the captains of school sports teams – Carter with Soccer and Will with Football – they quickly attracted the popular girls and the girls who yearned to be popular.
Through the ages of 14 to 18 Carter and Will certainly found their experiences, shared their experiences, and they even documented their experiences.
Their book, dubbed “The Ranks”, held the details of each girl they had slept with. It included a picture, a description of the girl and the … welllll, the assets … what had occurred, and in the end she was ranked. The rank was based on the overall amazingness of the girl.
The book was kept a secret between the two of them throughout their high school years. Luckily. Naturally they knew they were pigs but they were boys after all and so they acted like boys.
College loomed near – they were afraid their manhood would be neglected and ignored; that their popularity would falter and they’d become nerds resorting to watching online porn together every night.
What if college girls were different? Would they even have time for girls? Wait – there was always time for girls. Blasphemy! They were determined to get what they wanted from the college experience.
Ah college – a time in life where you certainly have the opportunity to top all of your prior intimate experiences.
Carter and Will did their due diligence in researching colleges and universities. They decided on one that appealed to both of their needs and wants. They were accepted to a university in sunny, beachy South Florida; the university was well known with a reputation of endless parties … and somewhere in there was the opportunity for a fantastic educational opportunity.
Fall of the freshman year came around and classes began. That year was far from uneventful. Carter and Will were smart – they easily navigated through their classes. They even found girls. Actually the girls found them.
The two best friends quickly became notorious for holding the best dorm parties. And where the best parties were – the hottest girls were. The girls in the miniskirts sans underwear. The shy girls that were silently begging to be corrupted. Girls that were really just out looking for a good time. And inevitably – the girls that wanted to find “the one.”
For two years they earned their grades and pushed through countless women. Life was good. Life was great. They were always sated yet ready for more. That is, until Carter fell in love. Her name was Ronnie and they were perfect together. The couple was popular, ambitious, and destined to be successful.
Will wanted his wingman back but he supported his best friend – even though he felt Ronnie wasn’t a good fit for Carter. She didn’t have all of the qualities that they had grown up wanting in a woman. A list of qualities that they’ve developed over the years as they’ve grown older. He kept his mouth shut though – because it was obvious his friend was head over heels and wouldn’t even hear anything otherwise.
Carter and Ronnie dated throughout the last two years of college. A few nights before graduation Will and Carter ventured out to celebrate the end of their college experience. Life was flying by and they were happy, excited, and ready to test their skills in the real world.
That night Carter dropped the bomb. He planned to propose to Ronnie the next evening.
“What?!” Will said after spitting his beer across the bar. The news obviously took him off guard.
“What? Really? You’re shocked by this? How is that even possible? Ronnie and I have dated for two years now – its time to take the relationship to the next level.”
“This will change everything, man!”
“It was inevitable, Will. Come on. Grow up.”
“She’s not even our type!”
“Oh. Our type? Our type?” Carter set his glass of jack on the rocks down on the bar. “You’re right. She’s not our type.”
Will sighed in relief. “Exactly! I’ve been dying to say that for months.” He laughed and ordered another Yuengling.
Carter stood and left cash for the bartender. “Really. Well here’s news for you buddy. She’s my type. And that’s all I care about. I’m getting engaged whether you like it or not.” He slapped his good friend on the back, “See you later wingman.”
Will didn’t say a word; instead he drank the night away and even picked up a cougar as they both stumbled out of the bar. She was a divorcee with two kids. Great personality. He definitely planned to take her back to the dorm room.
Carter wouldn’t be there. He would definitely be over at Ronnie’s cowering like a whipped fool, especially after Will had ruined his “good” news. He was certain, though, that Ronnie just wasn’t right for Carter. After all, he’d known Carter a lot longer than Ronnie did.
Whatever, Will thought. This isn’t going to spoil my night. He wants the whole ball and chain deal that’s fine with me.
The cougar and Will were sharing a bottle of whisky as they staggered towards the dorm. They laughed at each other’s slurred words. Neither cared if anyone saw them – this was a usual scene anyways. Guys were always bringing back “bar chicks” to their dorm rooms.
They were feverishly and drunkenly making out and eventually made it through the door only to see Carter sitting on the chaise lounge with his own party in a bottle and sappy love music playing on his iPod.
“Hey! Carter! What are you doing here? I thought you were with Roooonie.” Will and the cougar laughed.
“Yeah. I was. I suppose you two want some alone time so I’ll go.”
“No. Wait.” Will grabbed the sleeve of his shirt.
“Okaaaay. I’m ready!” The cougar was standing in her bra and panties. “Are you staying toooooo?” She pointed at Carter and smiled. “Well, I’ve always wanted to do a three-way! Yeah!”
Will put his arm around her and spoke in his soft, charming, inebriated voice. “Listen… what’s your name again?”
“Oh. It’s Lina. Like Linda without the ‘d’ ya know?”
“Ah Lina. Well, you see, my friend here needs me. But I want to make sure you get home safely. Do you want a taxi? Or do you have someone that can pick you up?”
“Noooooo!” The cougar whined. She sounded just like the immature college freshmen girls. “I want to have fuuuun.”
A whistle interrupted their conversation. Will’s next door buddy, a nerdy type that frequently tutored the college athletes, stood in the doorway and raised his hand. “I’ll take care of her guys. No worries!” He truly was a good guy so he meant it when he said he’d take care of her.
Reluctant to give up the hot mom, Will looked at Carter and then back at the cougar. He said to Carter, “Do you see what you’re costing me?”
The nerd extended his hand like a gentleman and Lina was delighted. “Woot! What manners young man! Ooookaaaaay. Let’s go have fun.” She screamed in joy.
Will shut the door to the room and poured them each a whiskey on the rocks to drink.
“What’s wrong, Carter?” Will sat at the desk that was nearby the chaise lounge.
Silence. Carter drank and Will waited patiently for an explanation good enough to justify passing off his late night booty call.
“I went to see Ronnie tonight. I know I was planning on seeing her tomorrow and I knew she already had plans tonight with the girls but after the argument with you I needed to see her.” Carter wandered the room now holding the glass of liquid pain relief. “I have a key and usually walk right in if there’s not a ‘do not disturb’ sign on the door. So the sign wasn’t there and I walked in. And what do you think I see?”
“I have a vague idea of what you might have seen but tell me anyways.”
“She was dressed in some ridiculous bunny outfit with Dirk, the teacher’s aide from our statistics class last semester.”
Will burst out laughing. “Dirk? Ewwwwwwwwwwww. That’s just wrong! Out of all the guys…”
“You’re not helping…”
“I’m sorry. What was up with the bunny outfit?”
“Like I said, man, really – you’re not helping.”
“I am. See?” Will replenished Carter’s glass.
“Right. Thanks.” He downed that glass just as quickly and Will followed him fulfilling his duty as best friend. “She cheated on me Will. Actually she’s been cheating on me for months. Then she confessed to having this fetish of being a cute little bunny turned naughty. Where was this side of her the whole time we were dating! She kept it hidden from me. And Dirk! UGH! Of all people!” Carter sat in his original spot, his head in his hands.
Will stifled his urge to laugh. “Carter. You know what I want to hear right?”
“Can you not take a moment to feel the pain your best friend is feeling, Will?”
Will pondered for a moment and came up with a solid, “Nope.”
“Okay. You were right.”
“About Ronnie not being right for me.”
“I tried to tell ya.”
“You didn’t foresee the bunny fetish and affair with the pimply, chubby teacher’s aide who worships Marvel comic book heroes.”
Will chuckled. “You’ve got a point there. I was on the right track though.”
“I’m sorry you were.” Carter pulled the engagement ring out of his pocket.
Will went to sit next to him and said, “I’m sorry too, Carter. In all seriousness, I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. I know how much you loved Ronnie.”
“You’re welcome. Now. I have a proposal for you.”
“This isn’t really the time for jokes.”
“What jokes?” Will grinned. “Okay – that pun was intended but look...” He pulled out their old and worn notebook, “The Ranks.”
“I’m not in the mood to go through the book right now.”
“Oh come on. Listen to what I have to say. It relates to your misfortune.”
Will flipped to the back where the list of admirable female qualities was recorded. The list that dictated their perfect woman.
“The list. What about it?” Carter asked uncaringly.
“Ok so here’s my thought. We both came up with this list. This list describes the perfect woman. For both of us. From our years of dating experiences I think it’s logical to say that there aren’t two women out there that represent exactly what we want. We’ve dated younger women, older women, all kinds. We’ve found some okay ones and some great ones but not two perfect, similar women that were just what we wanted. If we were each going to find the mythical ‘one’ I think we would’ve found them by now.”
“Are you getting to a point soon? I’m thinking about passing out drunk now and maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and find that tonight was a dream.”
“We need a wife.”
“Excuse me, what?” Carter gave up on the glass and moved on to the bottle.
“You heard me.”
“You mean wiiiiives?”
“No. Wife. Singular. One. Uno.” He paused and held his breath. “To share.”
Carter burst out laughing. “What? Share a wife? Isn’t that called … oh I don’t know … polygamy?”
“Uh well we’ve shared girlfriends before.” They both paused to recall the unforgettable moments.
Carter laughed. “Yeah we have. You’re right.”
“I usually am.”
“I don’t know. This seems a little far-fetched doesn’t it?”
“No. It will be monumental though. And with the publicity and the media and controversy we won’t have to find jobs after graduation. We’ll just write a book. Ha! We’ll be famous!”
“Then why’d we come to college and earn degrees in the first place?”
“For the girls…do I have to think of everything?”
“You forget, wingman, adultery isn’t exactly legal…is it?”
“We’ll work it out, brother. Tomorrow we talk more.”
College graduation was an exciting time. But now was when their lives would become more interesting than they had ever expected.
It all began with a short, sweet, and simple personal ad; nothing romantic like the ad in the Pina Coladas song.
Two best friends SWMs (single white males)
looking for one (repeat – One) SWF
to date and eventually marry both SWMs.
Please submit interview video and
answer questions on web address as follows…
At first they only received hits from the haggard, desperate, worn out women and it really dampened Will’s hopeful spirits. Carter, on the other hand, let his friend press on even though he wasn’t supportive of this scheme.
“Allie!” Will blurted out. He and Carter were barbequing by the pool of their new rental.
“What about her?” Carter replied while flipping the burgers.
“She got a job with a Marketing or PR firm or something like that – didn’t she?”
“Then we’ll have to enlist her help, my friend.” Will smiled his devilish attractive smile. “She can help promote our ad.”
“She hates you.”
His smile faltered. “Agreed.”
“Who else is there?”
“Wait – what about you?”
“What about me?”
“Allie loves you!”
“Yeah because I’m the only guy that hasn’t tried to sleep with her.” Carter closed the grill and grabbed an ice cold beer. “She’s my friend, Will. And you screwed her over … literally.”
“That was a long time ago. And we were both inebriated thank you very much.”
“She’ll never agree to this.”
“She will – but you’ll have to turn on the charm. She likes you, man.”
“No she doesn’t.”
“Trust me - she does. You can’t tell?”
“We’re friends. I don’t look at her like you do.”
“Will you please ask her?”
“This idea is crazy. And immature. We’re going to look like fools.” Carter chugged the rest of his beer. “And I’m really going to regret this.”
Will’s head snapped up faster than a bolt of lightning. “So you’ll help right?”
“Yeah that’s what the regret part means…”
“Fantastic. Tomorrow then. Take her to lunch or something.”
“I know how to handle a woman, Will. Especially Allie.”
Unfortunately Allie caught wind of the ad they had placed and called Carter to find out exactly what was going on.
It wasn’t a pretty situation for Carter to handle. Allie was angry. Actually ‘angry’ is an understatement.
“What do you mean she’s not friends with you anymore?” Will asked incredulously.
“This scam is over, Will. She’s right. It’s absurd. I’m going to stop by her place this evening and see if she has an ounce of forgiveness for me.”
“Oh I see what’s happening here.”
“I can’t wait to hear your conclusion.” Carter answered sarcastically.
“1. You’re bailing on your best friend for a girl – again. And 2. You like Allie.”
“I’m not bailing. And Allie is a friend.”
“Okay – you really need to start trusting me.”
A knock on the door interrupted the tête-à-tête. Will answered to a vivacious redhead. “Well hello beautiful.”
“Hi. I see you put in a personal ad for a wife?”
“Well I am interested.” She walked straight in. “I need this to get my name out.”
“Why’s that?” Carter asked uninterestedly.
“Because I run a blog on stuffing conventionalism you know where. Questioning tradition and society’s rules is what I do best. This is the very thing that could relay the example I’m trying to set for the community.”
“Fascinating.” Carter speed dialed Allie.
Meanwhile Will questioned the candidate, the seemingly perfect wife for two. He was ecstatic.
“You meet all of our criteria. Now the question is: are you willing to … you know … with both of us? Do we meet your standards?”
“Oh. Both? Right. I suppose that is entailed in a marriage. Sure. Why not? But we’ll have to set terms for that.”
“No problem.” Will jabbed Carter in the shoulder. “Well? Do you like …”
“Do you like Prudence, Carter?”
“Are you actually serious about this? Yes I like her. She’s beautiful. She seems smart …”
“She is standing right here.” Prudence placed her hands on her hips.
“Right. But truthfully, Will, she kind of scares me.”
“What?” Prudence and Will answered simultaneously.
“Look – why don’t you two get to know each other and Will, don’t forget you have to figure out how and who will allow a marriage for the three of us. Good luck. I’m going to pick up Allie.”
“Who’s Allie?” Prudence asked, flinging her long red hair over her shoulder.
“A friend, Prudence. You don’t have to worry about me cheating just yet. See ya.”
Carter slammed the door.
“Well he’s cranky.” She mumbled.
“Forget him. How about a drink?”
“Okay.” She flashed a perfect smile and Will swore his heart skip a beat. That just didn’t happen to him. Ever. “I know a great place.”
Will and Prudence arrived at a sophisticated French restaurant downtown. As they were receiving their starter drinks they noticed Carter walking in. With Allie.
“Hey! Carter! Over here!” Will shouted in the dining area.
Carter instantly turned an angry shade of red. He intended to turn the other way but Will made such a scene that he had to walk to the table to get him to shut up. The other diners were thankful for the peace once again.
“Fool! You’re in a restaurant. Have some manners.”
“Come join us.” Will smiled.
“Yes. Please do.” Prudence wasn’t as thrilled with the idea. And apparently neither was Allie.
A brief squabble between Allie and Carter occurred across the room but eventually Carter brought her back to the table with him.
“Heyyyy Allie. How are you?” Will rose to greet her but she sat without acknowledging his gesture.
“Pig.” One word, one syllable with a dangerous undertone was all she gave him.
“Hi Allie, my name is Prudence.”
“Hello. Nice to meet you. I hear you’re the finest candidate for the marriage to two.” Allie smiled sarcastically.
Carter kicked her under the table.
“Ow! Carter! I’m sorry but it’s true. I cannot believe you two are going along with this. And you, Prudence, - by the way your hair is beautiful and I’m so jealous – you should be ashamed of yourself.”
“Thanks. I guess?” Prudence tucked her hair behind her ears.
Will ordered a bottle of red wine.
“I’m not drinking.” Allie pushed back.
“Please. No matter who agrees and who doesn’t can we all try to have a fun time tonight? Hmm?” Will poured the red into each glass.
They all conceded.
Surprisingly enough it was one of the best times every one of them had had in some time.
By the end of the night they laughed and put down five bottles of wine and in the end a bottle of port with dessert.
Allie and Prudence were best friends by the end of the evening and hugged each other in parting.
Carter and Allie took a taxi to her place where he would drop her off and Will walked Prudence back to her place which was nearby.
Carter and Will planned to meet back at home for a night cap.
That was the plan.
The next morning came around. Carter was hungover beyond all belief and didn’t know what he would tell Will as an excuse for not coming home last night. Allie was sweet enough to send him off with two Motrin and a coke – that always helped with his hangover blues.
Rubbing his face and preparing for Will’s wrath from being sold out for a girl, Carter took a deep breath before opening the door.
“Hey man. I’m sorry I didn’t make it back last ni …” Carter stopped when he realized he was alone.
At that same moment Will breezed through the door. “Hey!”
They stood staring at each other – each a hungover hot mess. Tousled hair and clothes in disarray.
“Did you ...?” They spoke at the same time and pointed at each other.
“Um maybe.” Carter answered.
“Me too.” Will smiled.
They both sat.
“What happened exactly?” Carter asked.
Will couldn’t stop smiling.
“Oh no. You fell for Prudence didn’t you?! In one night? How is that possible? For you especially.”
“For your information she likes to be called Prue.”
Carter set the coffee machine to brew. “Answer me.”
“Ok. Maybe. I think so. I don’t know.” Will laughed and said, “Do you see what happened here?”
“Yeah – Prue is gorgeous and you hooked up with her.”
“Yes it was amazing. But look past that. Don’t you see that my genius idea brought Prue to us? Or me, I should say?”
“I see that. But here’s the problem. When she came here she anticipated marrying both of us. So is that plan null and void now?”
“I’m not sharing Prue with you.”
“Will, I don’t want her. She’s more your type than mine anyways.”
“We have a similar type.”
“Obviously not anymore.”
“Ahhh I see. I’m catching up now. You and Allie. Man I’m right a lot.” Will grabbed his coffee and got comfortable on his bed. “Ok I’m ready.”
“The details of course.”
“Not a chance in hell. We’re not exchanging details. Allie is … important. I wouldn’t do that to her.” Carter loaded his coffee with sugar.
“Yeah yeah. Prue was the best ever. Just saying.”
“Anyways. What are you going to do about this whole situation? Are you going to admit to Prue that the idea to find us one single wife was a ridiculous, preposterous idea (not to mention illegitimate) and that you really do like her? And maybe, I don’t know, you might just want to take her out on a date?”
“That’s where this gets complicated. This morning she asked if we’re still on for this whole deal.”
“And you said no right?”
“I panicked. I didn’t know what else to say. She caught me off guard. I figured she’d be a girl about the morning after deal but she wasn’t. She was completely cool about it all.”
“What do I do?”
“I have a great idea.” Carter began mockingly. “You tell her the truth.”
“Then I run the possibility of losing her because she wanted to do this in order to support her position against tradition. I’d be a sham.”
“It’s possible. But you’d have to tell her eventually because I’m not following through with it. I have Allie now.”
“You have her now?”
“Well, we’re dating I mean. Formally.”
Will walked over and patted him on the back. “Finally.”
“It’s about time. I’d always thought she was perfect for you. Unlike Scrawny Ronnie.”
“How’d you know?”
“Because she’s anorexic. Everybody knows.”
“No, I mean how did you know Allie was perfect for me?”
“Because you can act like yourself around her and she is your best friend – second to me.”
“I suppose I’ll tell Prue.”
Will’s cell phone begged loudly for attention.
“Yello…” Will smiled. “Hey Prue, how are you? … Oh good … I was going to call you actually to see if you … what? What’s wrong? … Oh. Right. … Okay I’ll meet you there. … Yep … See ya.”
“What was that all about?” Carter questioned.
“She sounded pretty upset. Said she really wants to do this whole marry two guys thing but the feedback she got on her blog (she was testing out the idea with her readers) was really negative and she wasn’t sure if it would work out because her reader’s voices are so important to her.” Will finally took a breath after spilling the entire explanation.
“Soo…” Carter motioned for the rest of the story.
“So she wants to meet at Starbucks to talk about it.”
“To talk about it…”
“That’s what she said. I aint saying no.” Within minutes Will brushed back his hair, gurgled Listerine, and changed his clothes. He grabbed his wallet and on his way out the door he yelled back, “I’ll let you know how it goes!”
Walking into Starbucks, Will noticed her right away. Her red hair beckoned every eye in the café. As soon as she saw him she smiled hugely.
At first the meeting was awkward. Will was sweating from the building tension.
“I have to tell you something Prue.”
“I have something to tell you too.”
“Really? I mean, of course you do. You sounded really upset on the phone. What is it?”
“This whole marriage thing … I really want to …”
“Look before you continue. We can’t go through with it. Carter and Allie are in love. It took them forever to realize they’re right for each other and it wouldn’t exactly be fair to push this deal on them.”
“And what about you?” She smirked.
“Yeah. Are you in love?”
He blushed. He actually blushed. “I never thought I’d say this but … yes, I think I am. I might be in love with this beautiful redhead with a diamond smile.”
Prue’s smile lit up the room. “Do you think she feels the same way?” She sipped her hot latte slowly leaving a solid lipstick print on the lid.
“I don’t know. She may not after I broke off a deal that she was gung-ho on following through. I’m afraid she won’t have any interest in me. You know, she’s all about being nontraditional and, well, a relationship and the whole love at first meeting thing are pretty traditional.”
“Most of what I said about that ridiculous marriage idea wasn’t true.” She winced, waiting for him to catch on.
“What? You lied? Am I being Punked?” Will glanced around the coffee shop jokingly.
“Yes … and no. None of it was true. I just wanted to meet you – for a while now but you were always dating someone and you never noticed me.”
“How could I have not noticed you, Prue?” Will felt like a fool for missing this intelligent beauty throughout the span of four college years.
She laughed. “You know, I thought the same thing. Funny how bizarre plans can sometimes lead to what you need.”
“You are so right.” He extended his hand to her. “Shall we?”
“We shall.” She returned the same cheesy romantic smile that he was giving her.
“I think it’s about time we tossed this. Don’t you?” Carter asked Will as they sat with their girls on a picnic blanket while viewing the old adolescent book, “The Ranks,” that used to be their prized possession.
“No way.” Prue spoke up.
“Yeah I agree with Prue. That’s something you should keep. But…it needs a proper closing.” Allie playfully nudged Will.
“I like that. Like a ‘happy ever after’ ending.” Carter put his arm around his love.
The girls smiled their pretty smiles and inevitably won. But Will and Carter were just as happy to keep a piece of them, of the way they used to be. And it would serve as a reminder for their most ludicrous and outlandish idea of all time – of finding a single wife to put up with the formerly insatiable best friends.